So as I was writing the story about the masturbation class below, I was looking for an example of bad modern art on the web, using my Google-fu as a weapon. I wanted to demonstrate what an actual orgasm depiction would look like in art form, but I couldn’t find anything even remotely appropriate. Hence my statement that a proper pictoral depiction of an orgasm would be “something that’s drawn by a blind, somewhat spastic toddler who hasn’t taken his Ritalin. On an etch-a-sketch.  In the dark.”

I did, however, run across the following Craigslist ad in my Interwebz travels.  Appropriately, it came up in an image search for “bad abstract art.”

For Sale – beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5′ 3″ long, 3′ 3″ wide at the middle, and stands 2′ 3″ tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at [deleted] or reply to posting.

You can’t make this stuff up! Seriously!  Please tell me who in the world would want to pay $600 for a large, satin vagina that swallows you whole?

And when you’re finished contemplating the sheer horror of the thing (it actually sort of reminds me of the plant in Little Shop of Horrors), imagine a small ginger kid sitting inside this vagina couch, much like the woman who designed is doing in the above photo!

My son was sitting next to me, and I showed him this ad.  His reaction was, “OH. MY. GAWD. I. WANT. ONE!”

I can only assume he meant the couch, not a giant vaj.  That would be awkward.  Small-ish redheaded child swallowed by giant, puffy female genitalia.

Moral of the story…

Oh hell, I don’t know.

Don’t let your son shoulder surf while you’re looking for bad art.

Don’t open links entitled “Pink, Upholstered Vagina Couch.”

Ensure your son understands that 1) you will not purchase him a $600 vagina couch, no matter how much he pleads and 2) you don’t sit inside female genitalia.

Damn you, Interwebz!