I’ve been watching the events around former CIA Director David Petraeus’ peener unfold with a mixture of apprehension and disbelief. It seems that the moment a government official is caught dipping his wick into anyone other than his wife, the entire nation is thrown into a frothing frenzy, as if a four-star general’s penis is more important than what is going on in this world. The freak show has become just that – an object of morbid fascination for those who can’t seem to keep their noses out of other people’s genitalia.

To recap:

David Petraeus apparentlly had an affair with his biographer and Army Reserve Major Paula Broadwell.

Oh General! You’re sooooo hot! Wanna BJ?

The affair apparently ended some months ago, but crazy Broadwell just wouldn’t let it go, so she started threatening scary, borderline harassing emails to Jill Kelley, who is apparently a friend of the Petraeus family, has a hefty rack and considers herself borderline royalty.

You whore! Get away from my guy! Stop touching his leg under the table! 0_o

Kelley gets a bit distraught by the emails and enlists the help of her FBI buddy to find out who her harasser is. FBI buddy then goes off the deep end and decides that Kelley asking him for help means that she really wants his peener, so he sends her photos of him shirtless hoping that said peener will somehow wind up in the vicinity of Kelley.

I don’t have a picture of this douchebag, but I imagine he looks something like this.

Hey, bebeh! Want to see my peener?

The investigation then apparently led the Fibbies back to Broadwell, at which point they uncovered the affair she and Petraeus had been carrying on. In addition to this, not only had Petraeus been banging Broadwell, but apparently Petraeus’ ISAF replacement Gen. John Allen had been also trying to get in the pants of Kelley, and thousands upon thousands of emails to Kelley confirmed that perhaps, maybe, sorta Gen. Allen wanted his peener in her vicinity too.

Nice rack! Wanna see my star-studded peener?

It also appears Kelley had been cultivating relationships with both high-ranking officials, because she likes feeling all important. So important, in fact, that she’s demanding diplomatic protection for herself, because she’s apparently… well… important.

In the phone call to authorities, Jill Kelley, a party hostess and unofficial social liaison for leaders of the U.S. military’s Central Command in Tampa, cited her status as an honorary consul general while complaining about news vans that had descended on her two-story brick home overlooking Tampa Bay.

“You know, I don’t know if by any chance, because I’m an honorary consul general, so I have inviolability, so they should not be able to cross my property. I don’t know if you want to get diplomatic protection involved as well,” she told the 911 dispatcher Monday.

Feel free to desperately desire to slap this bitch stupid(er). I do.

Hey, Jilly! If we couldn’t get protection for our Ambassador to Libya – you know… an actual DIPLOMAT – I doubt you’ll be high on anyone’s priority list! STFU!

So for those of you keeping score… Petraeus banging Broadwell; Broadwell thinking that Petraeus is banging Kelley; Kelley not banging FBI dude nor Allen (as far as we know), but both wanting to bang her.

What’s my point? Who bloody cares!!!!!!!!!!!

I shouldn’t even know about this crap, and yet I’m inundated 24/7 with news of who wants to bang whom, who was banging whom and who was jealous about it. JESUS!!!! Stop already!

Four Americans are dead in Benghazi, but that doesn’t seem important. We don’t have answers about what happened there, but that doesn’t seem important either. Petraeus will testify in the Benghazi probe, regardless of whether or not he’s CIA Director, so that’s not an issue. So why do I involuntarily know who the bloody hell Jill Kelley is? Why is that self-important, daft bint even on my radar?

If Petraeus’ affair compromised him, the President and Congress should have been informed long before now, but hell, we can’t publicize anything that would distract from the vapid bullshit that was this year’s election, now can we?

There’s Benghazi.

There’s the economy.

There’s unemployment.

There’s Afghanistan.

There’s the European fiscal crisis.

There are so many issues that could affect our nation!

But the 24-hour news cycle is focusing on the General’s peener.

Thanks, assholes! I feel dumber just having turned on the TV this morning!