Normally, I’m not one to complain on a public site about a company that’s merely trying to make a profit. However, given Virgin Mobile‘s complete lack of regard for their customers, crappy service and tendency to have live advisers whose IQ is roughly equivalent to that of particularly rancid plant life, I’m going to make an exception.
I have to say, when I first told my kids that they could get cell phones, the pay-as-you-go plans Virgin Mobile had offered seemed like a really good idea. I soon found out just how shitty their service really is.
First of all… let’s start with the fact that their idiot service would randomly deplete their accounts, when they hadn’t even used their phones, forcing me to call and top up their accounts. I clearly remember topping up Teeny’s account at 1600 hours a few months ago, and having several dollars depleted from that account just a few minutes later when I checked back. I’ve had to call and deal with their complete incompetent staff more than once, because their stupid website charged my card extra money. And when you call… OH. MY. GOD. It’s nearly impossible to actually get a live person on the line! Absolutely impossible! Only after literally yelling obscenities at their recorded moron voice activated “service” was I able to get to a live “adviser,” who is likely nothing but a 19 year old kid, barely making minimum wage.
Shit! No wonder these festering boils on the ass of phone service everywhere don’t want you talking to a live representative! They’re too amazingly stupid to deal with customers!
So Saturday, I called and finally canceled their accounts. Their father had gotten them new cell phones, and put them on his account. It took several minutes to get the dumbass voice activated “service” to connect me to someone who would disconnect my service, but once I did, it was painless…
Or so I thought.
This morning I log into my bank account only to find out that after I had called and canceled the kids’ accounts, the shitslurping morons had accessed my credit card one last time and withdrew nearly $50 out of my bank account!!!
That prompted another call to Virgin Mobile and their incompetent staff – and yet more aggravation on my part.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Hello! We’re an automated service, and we’re here to help you! No really! Don’t laugh! Para Espagnol, presso some-o stupido numero! Now tell us what you want to do. To give us more of your money, say, “give you more of my money.” To fix a problem with your phone, say, “Please connect me to a completely unhelpful technician.” To connect your new service, say “connect service.”
AUTOMATED VOICE: Pressing zero is not an option. Here are your options again…
After five minutes of listening to automated voice repeat worthless options yet again – several times – I finally yelled something to the effect of, “CONNECT ME TO A LIVE PERSON YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!”
At that point the automated voice went into another slew of options, ostensibly to let it know which live adviser I should be connected to – as if they all weren’t incompetent crotchmonkeys! After yelling yet another obscenity at the automated voice, I was finally connected to a live human, which makes me wonder if they don’t have operators listening in on the calls, ready to immediately connect the customer to a human being the moment they feel like the customer is about ready to drive to their headquarters in Bangladesh somewhere and shove a large cactus up their collective asses.
LIVE (although possibly brain dead) HUMAN NAMED RACHEL: Hello. My name is Rachel. How may I help you today?
ME: Hi. I have a problem. I closed my kids’ accounts on Saturday, but somehow you people withdrew another $50 from my bank account this morning, and I’d like to have that money back, please. (Yes, I was initially that polite).
RACHEL: I’m sorry about the inconvenience. What are the telephone numbers?
ME: Yes, they are…
RACHEL: I’m sorry about the inconvenience. Those accounts are closed.
ME: Yes, I know they are closed, but yet you people still withdrew money from my account this morning via my credit card, even though I closed the accounts on Saturday.
RACHEL: I’m sorry about the inconvenience. The withdrawal was made today?
ME: YES! I’d like to have that money back please!
RACHEL: You will have to contact your bank and dispute those charges.
ME: I don’t understand. You people withdrew money from my account. Why can’t you just put it back?
RACHEL: Because those telephone accounts are closed! So you will have to call your bank and dispute those charges.
ME: And then what happens?
RACHEL: And then nothing. We cannot retrieve that money, because those phone accounts are closed. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.
ME (with hair about to catch fire from absolute fury): So you people closed the accounts on Saturday, had the means to access my account this morning and take money out of it, but now you claim you cannot give my money back because the account is closed???
RACHEL: Yes. I’m sorry about the inconvenience.
ME: I want to talk to your manager NOW!
RACHEL: I will connect you to my supervisor. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.
At this point, I’m about ready to take Rachel’s head and shove it up the ass of a large, smelly mammal such as a rhinoceros or something. I’m vividly picturing taking her by the hair and beating her face into a wall made entirely out of cheesegraters. This numbskull proceeds to put me on hold until I thought I would start breaking apart furniture just to quell my uncontrollable rage. She finally connects me to a supervisor, but not before getting BACK on the line, once AGAIN telling me that she will connect me to a supervisor and leaving things with an obligatory “I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”
If you think I’m joking, I assure you, I’m dead serious. While the above conversation is not verbatim, it’s pretty damn close.
Oh… but the saga doesn’t end there.
The “supervisor,” who I’m convinced has escaped from a home for lower lifeforms then gets on the line and informs me that their computer systems are down right now, and he cannot access the accounts in question – something that idiot RACHEL claimed couldn’t happen because the accounts were closed!
After yet another apology for the “inconvenience,” this douchebag informs me that I need to call them back – yes, go through the entire voice activated “service” maze to get a live representative on the line and get yet another supervisor on the line!! And no, this malodorous sweat gland on the ass of a camel didn’t have a direct line. Nope. I’d have to call back in a couple of hours when their computers were back up!
It is now three hours after my initial call, and their phone service won’t even pick up. That’s right. No service at all.
I still don’t have my money back.
First thing tomorrow morning I’m calling my bank.
Meanwhile, I would urge you folks to tell everyone you know that Virgin Mobile is nothing but a bunch of thieving assholes (the Redhead wants me to use the term “dingleberries on the butt of an elephant”) who do not deserve your money, who have no concept of customer service or respect for those who pay their salaries.
Their service is crap.
Their staff and their customer support are incompetent. They are not worth your time.
UPDATE: I got an email this afternoon from a very nice lady who ran across my blog, saw this post and who works for Virgin Mobile. She offered to get their HQ team to help resolve this issue. I guess we’ll see what happens. It would sure be nice.